Christmas Eve 2009

Today will be an interesting day. I have chosen to attend Diva Dan’s Church for an actual service. 2 Services actually. The children are performing this afternoon and there is a Candle Light Service Tonight starting at 10pm.

I have always gone down to the Rehearsal Nights on Thursdays with Daniel. I proudly sit in the balcony and watch the choir start a song, and week’s later perfecting it. I never get to the see the final performances of their music.
The choir was surprised I am coming down today. Immediately, they ask where I am going to sit. I didn’t really have an answer for that. The people I know at the Church are all music based people, so Sundays they would be in the big seats in the front. I don’t really know the spouses of these fantastic people. A few people who I admire have spouses that never attend the church. I find that topic interesting in itself. (for another time of course)
My struggle today is going to be my actions. The church is so big and poorly attended that sitting off on my own will be so obvious. However, I am attending church and want to project a positive being within myself. I have to decide should I conform to fit in by praying when asked, singing hymns when told and listen attentively.
I struggle with this because I think it projects a poor true self nature of who I am. They want me to sing Hymns using words like “I exalt him”, “I Worship Him” and so forth. I think that is pretty hypocritical of myself to ‘pretend’ that I am honouring those statements coming from my mouth. Or Should I just sing them and say “Oh they are just words!”… that’s kind of cruel in itself.
Now don’t get me wrong. The people of Trinity are fabulous. Their religious views are their own. They haven’t ever forced me to conform. They allow me to be me. I just would want rumour coming from someone that I have changed or finally I am seeing the light.
I do believe that people sing hymns without truly understanding what they are saying. Besides, who knows what the true tune is to a hymn when I have never heard the majority of them. That would be grossly embarrassing!
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