Is There Something I Can’t See?


I’ve been perplexed lately… my old relationship is gone and has been for nearly 10 months, December 17th marks the year? Have I memorized this… no… I accidentally stumbled across a video log deep within my files called “BROKEN”. I am on a roller coaster, plunging in and out of suidical thoughts and trying to make the best of each day as it passes. I “accidentally” seen this last week and a lot of the turmoil bounces in my head.

I had this strange dream the other night… My former partner is laying on the bed with shorts… he is bleeding from a wound in his leg… he is holding his leg in a fetal positioning… his kids are constantly trying to get into the bedroom… I am torn between trying to help the partner, or calm down the kids… I woke up, because I couldn’t make a decision and was overwhelmed…
So why has the dreams come back… I have taken precautions to eliminate the old life I once led… I have dismantled my MSN to use it only for work. Everyone but my two workers are on my list… Not knowing the updates from people from my past, including my partner, was the right way for healing.
A co-worker told me that my former partner says HELLO to me… I didn’t block anyone from my MSN List, and they can see when I am online when I am at work. I don’t open it at home anymore. The co-worker communicated this to me, and suddenly my screen lit up with a new message window from the former guy asking how I was… and giving me updates to what’s going on for him… I am vague in my responses… a lot of GREAT FOR YOUs… That’s awesome… or WONDERFUL… I say it, but I don’t feel it inside. It’s the right thing to do.
The guy asked me about my holidays… I’ve not been on holidays, but I faked that I had been with just saying it was great…
This morning, I seen Kayne West totally humiated Taylor Swift on stage… Her standing speechless in front of the thousands of people, the look that is pure devastation was clear through her body. When the video was done… I just sat in dismay to what I had just seen. I nearly cried for her… Total humiliation.
I feel humiliated when it comes to my past too… my vision through rose coloured glasses… living a very strong life of denial. Hoping for the changes to come, yet not having my own clarity to manifest it to be. Respectfully to myself, I am pleased my partner choose to do what he did… it woke me up… however, when I look back. I see nothing but myself struggling in a world of deception.
I am troubled by one thought lately… What posses a person who pushes another person to the curb, causes that person $1000,s of dollars of financial losses, the person to live off another being while the boat is rocking and so forth… What posses them to contact that same person to see how they are doing and brag about all the good things in their life… I feel it terribly inappropriate…. What does that say about that person? His actions suggest his transition was a lot easier than mine… for that, I struggle with that… My lowests moment is when Bell Canada made me cry on the phone over a bill that was this guys… meanwhile this same guy laughs as my dismay… What does that say?
I’m so fortunate to have found Diva Dan… I’m just glad this person destroy me…
MKL
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