Understanding The Past

For those reading about whom I am… some may identify that I came out of a relationship in December 2008. It wasn’t a fun relationship and it last far too long… I’m grateful to be out and all my debts involving it are paid.

In the time of coming out of that relationship, people around me knew “things” that they finally had the guts to share with me. They knew key aspects that would have made the difference of me walking out the door much earlier on.
In my situation, my former partner came home, announced it was over and had his stuff packed and was gone in a flash. We were unhappy and I had wanted out a lot sooner. We were no longer doing things as a couple. We were just living without enjoying life.
I felt trapped in many regards. I felt responsible for the well being of one of the kids who I was practically raising. When the relationship collapsed, it wasn’t my partner whom I’ve missed, it was the child. My friend in the house was the child, not my partner.

I tossed around leaving so many times. I felt as if I could finally break free and be okay. I had developed my job to a level of being self supportive. I was ready to go, but I felt a strong guilt for what would happen with the child.
In the end, the child left anyway to live with the mother, the partner went on with his life leaving family behind.
I found Diva Dan and realized what happiness is and am living testimony of feeling happiness daily as a result.
Back to the beginning of friends knowing stuff, over the time the new information of what I thought my relationship was has been destroyed to a huge mistake on my part. I recently found out new information, which collaborated, other stories which I knew through other friends. A source that only he would have had access to. I find hearing this new information is a set back to shatter my already destroyed view of my past.
What hurts me the most is the former partner having the ignorance to try to contact me just to talk about what he is up to now. I lost thousands of dollars as a result of the way the split was handled. I went through pure hell trying to wind down everything because he took off leaving me to finalize everything. I felt guilt during the process until he finally broke me where I finally had to take action. Diva Dan went through Hell with me as I am bouncing from pure joy to despair. I don’t know how anyone has the courage to contact another after the history that has occurred.
I have went and deleted all contact information for this person to ensure there is pure separation. It’s not nice to wish someone a shitty life, but I feel that way.
I remember a saying said to the child the day before we broke up. “You reap what you sow!” However, I know my former partner is having a great life and good on him, but I don’t want to hear about it. It’s done… NEXT!

Religion & Me

I’m growing pretty frustrated with religion and how it pertains to me. Coming out of a 5 years LTR with another person whose parents were Jehovah’s Witness, I found myself questioning the motives for RULES.
Diva Dan belongs to a church. Being involved, I hear the ins and outs. Listen to the congregation and you will be shocked why people attend week after week. It’s clear that organized religion in our region of the world is dying off. There is just too much crap going on that isn’t holy or loving.
People say to get over the POLITICS of a church’s inner workings. I argue that why should people get over it, most of the people on the committees are volunteers doing “God’s Work” in helping to run the church. More over, I see so many frustrated people trying to make sense of it. People nearly in tears due to the politics. Money being foolishly spent. Ideas having side motives that the average person won’t know. Where is the honesty.
Church, as I see it, is about popularity and who is able to get the butts into the seats. Is there such thing as a team.
I seen a saying today that really bothered me today. It has inspired this blog. It read “You don’t need to defend God’s Existence, there’s no proof that he doesn’t exist!”
I find myself so bothered by that because here we have a theory that is main street. A pastor I heard say weeks ago to the congregation. JESUS STUDIED THE BIBLE! What a load of crap, the bible didn’t exist during his time frame. It was written after according to the majority of religions. So this so called PASTOR is misrepresenting people along.
It is possible that this whole Bible was created to bring order to society. Running society based on fear. Our governments do it all the time. The United States is a prime example of people living in fear. Fear causes people to not question anything but to follow the prescribed course of action so that further issues under the table can exist.
I worry that the religion that we are supposed to be following is propaghanda that the history created which has become tradition and laws.
I find myself questioning that saying that bothers me… WHY?
What if you had a mentally ill person saying they see someone and are talking to them. We automatically discount them and say no you are wrong. BUT WHAT IF that person really does exist in the form of a spirit, different realm and so forth. To that person, the person they are talking to exists and yet we say they don’t! This same person has the right to say… “THAT PERSON EXISTS BECAUSE YOU CANT PROVE THEY DONT!
I believe that my SPIRITUAL ADVISOR IS GABRIEL and I am not kidding. Christians will tell me I am full of crap. Non spiritual people won’t care. I’ve been told by someone that it is their life long mission to ensure everyone knows God Personally!
In many ways, I feel like we are in hell already because we are unable to come up wiht a common consences on what spiritually really is… I know I am going to go to the grave one day and this won’t be solved. Something huge has to happen to get people to come together.
As technology and more artifactual information is found. Religion is becoming more and more exposed.
I have written before saying that I can’t believe people write me and say god told them to say the most hateful stuff to me. These people claim they are richeous christians who discount my life in the name of God. They are essentially saying to me that GOD sent them to tell me that I need to change or go to hell.
While I write that, other christians who are more excepting of different faiths will say, don’t listen to those people, or to the church that is saying that to me. They don’t know what they are talking about. They aren’t representing god but representing their own beliefs.
MY POINT… WHO IN THE HELL IS RIGHT… both are religious but looking at me in two different avenues… 1 is more accepting of cultures than the other…
It’s no wonder why I stay clear of religion.

Medical Update

I posted in June that I was having trouble with my left arm… as the Month of July hit, it was getting worse… to the point of having to go to Emerg.

A CT scan was done. It was revealed that my neck (right side) bones have significant degeneration. However, the pain doesn’t explain the that finding…
Eventually… after diagnoses… I was suggested to take Yoga… Diva Dan and I are doing that now. I am sure my back is hurting lately cause of it, but I am unsure.
I have seen a preliminary chiropractor but still in the stages of setting up treatments. I accidentally missed the BILLING SEMINAR in which I have to sit and be told how many thousands of dollars its going to cost. I am hoping tomorrow, when I go, that I am not pressured or made to feel guilty by any decisions I make.
I have been noticing the pain in my left arm. A nerve test revealed normal.
I am having trouble standing for a long period of time. The pain is shooting up my right side. It turns out that the chiropractor says I have an abnormal curve on my right side. The right side of my body is lower by 1/2″. It explains my pain. When standing, I feel much better when I am wearing shoes than being barefoot.
I am hoping to get relief soon from this.
Chiropractors are not covered in the medical coverage of Ontario. However, I have a plan at work that can cover it 100%. I am fortunate to have that.
I would like to upgrade my glasses again to a very light pair. I have stylish glasses but so sick of them slipping down off my face… drives me completely up the wall!

Working At My Real Job

For many, they think I spend a great deal of time here at home on the computer. Reality is, I do spend a large percentage of my home time here behind the monitor but then I work too.

I rarely take holidays. I have the perfect shift of working 4 days a week. My shift forces me to give up my weekends but I would rather work 4 days per week and take my time off during the week anyway.
Today is Monday, it’s my Friday… Like many on Fridays, they feel tired and worn down from the work week. Monday is not exception to me.
Tonight, I was suppose to do my live broadcast but I am tired. I napped after supper for 20 minutes… It’s down time.
Tomorrow, I am heading to the chiropractor to sit through 1.5 hours of his payment and care package. In many ways, I feel like it’s a money scam; however, I am need of relief.
That’s it for today, Later Gaters!

The Person In Front Of The Camera

The person in front of the camera isn’t he same person behind the scenes…

I am a person who has no friends off camera… I have several acquaintances and will give a friendly “hi how are you” when in person… but I am not one to strongly socialize with others.
My popularity on Facebook and Mikeyssmail You Tube is an ONLINE persona that I have created for myself. It’s like my Avatar… of camera… I can sit for hours surfing the net listening to music. I listen to the same music or song for hours at a time.
I like to re-watch the videos I post of myself. I do it for self reflection… am I eminating the person I am or is it the person I want to be?
At work, I am popular and laugh at lot. I apparently being a sense of humour into the joint. I’ve been called upon saying that I create the fun for the workplace. I manifest and create the joy. Something that I always suggest to do. That is something that I preach and practice.
I am not a person to go visiting anyone. I like going places, but I don’t necessarily like visiting people. It’s like my mother at a family reunion, projecting how amazing her life is, meanwhile it’s not the truth… I can’t do that… I won’t do that…
I have nearly 2 million people who have passed through my webspaces… with tens of thousands of emails of appreciation from all walks of life for my presentations… Clearly.. I am projecting myself right, but at home here… I prefer to be left alone with my man. I see situation through video opportunities. I don’t stop living in the moment to video tape it, it’s just incorporated as part of the fun… 100’s of videos never make it to live broadcasts.
I don’t get along with anyone who feels they are deserving of better treatment because of WHO they are… I don’t enjoy conversations with people who don’t inspire me. I love hearing people’s success stories of personal fulfillment and overcoming situations… I despise conversations where the person is always echoing the same circle of conversation of feeling sorry for themselves instead of making the changes they need to.
I enjoy very raunchy surprising humour. That is the secret to why Diva Dan and I get along so well. He knows how to make me laugh.
More later…

Destroying A Friendship and More

In July of 2009, a friendship I had for nearly 5 years was put to a test. It drastically failed due to my portion of responsibilities…. Not only did it fail, but it destroyed a relationship between this person and a another who was frequently scheduled sexual partner of nearly 6 years.

Let me back up…
When my former partner (FP) was around. I always considered this person to be my partner’s friend. I was the third wheel. My FP worked with this person and knew many people. The visits were gossip sessions between what people from that company were up to. They had the commonality of sharing the same taste in liquor. I usually just drank my cola.
When my FP took off, it put to the test of who is left and where the friendships fall. One friend, who I was closest to, dropped off immediately. Whomever came up with the bullshit that a person can remain friends to both parties and being impartial is such a lying peice of work. This person was dropping too many hints on what my FP was up to, even at the request not to because I wasn’t emotionally able to handle it. I wasn’t sure why this person would be dropping these hints so easily, unless it made them feel like they wanted to console me stronger than it needed to be… To stop the hurt, I “just stopped” communicating with this friend and haven’t seen them since.
This caused only 1 friend to be left behind for me… it seemed we had more in common that I thought… Visits over the past 6 years have been riddled with constant complaining from this friend about his ‘friend’ who showed up frequently for sexual conquests. I listened patiently and over time, I have watched my friend be strong to a man who is struggling. He said he could handle it but clearly his actions suggest he is lying… The situation has caused him to be nearly a stalker because he doesn’t trust the other.
Diva Dan was incorporated into the friendship. You could sense from Day 1 that Diva Dan is a headstrong person who sees people for what they are. Diva Dan is very flamboyant at times. He is unpredictable. He is highly educated and when doesn’t understand something, he reads and studies something to bring clarity. The friend was also strong minded, but more so in the sense of control and mind games. The two together, would eventually be a combo for a firework situation.
The firework situation did happen over the most rediculous circumstances.
I got in touch with the friend’s casual person. This person and I have talked before about the relationship they share and blah blah… It was clear way back when… what is their connection? Clearly they are both unhappy… So many times, my friend has told me that his relationship is over and even gone as far to say he knows it should end and doesn’t know what he’s waiting for.
In contacting this person… Diva Dan and I talked to him and gave him insights to what we knew and questioned yet again the nature of this relationship. More so, the personality changes of my friend in dealing with a situation that is clearly unhealthy.
After this talk, the casual guy called it quits with my friend. My friend was devastated. The casual guy gave enough clues that we had spoken to him. Only I would have known details that were shared with him…
2 Weeks went by with very uncomfortable emails because I am trying to pretend I don’t know what’s happening… when it is my conversation that led to it. SOmething I am not proud of. I found myself questioning if I was a true friend or a bitch getting revengence. My friend was so struggling with the concept of non monogamous situation he was involved in. He was so freaking unhappy.
After Diva Dan and my friend had words… I knew that Diva Dan was finished with this friend for good. This friend was putting restrictions of homosexuality acting. He wanted to be in the closet and claims he is BI and even possibly straight… though all indications of gay porn, gay pick up sites, park surfing, and staring at guys isn’t usually a straight thing to do. I struggled with that because I am flamboyant and yet eminating a personality that this guy doesn’t like.
My friend eventually figured out it was me who told his casual inside information. He had thought it was Diva Dan due to their tension.
My last email from this friend was telling me that he hopes I am happy that I have destroyed the relationship he had with the guy… our friendship was clearly over as well.
I did respond back asking to answer for himself to when the last time he ever said anything nice or positive about the casual guy? The friendship was over, and stuff I had been supressing were laid out in a friendly yet direct manner. What I didn’t realize is that all the complaining of all those years is what he was getting off on… he was enjoying the conflict… him bitching about it, was just him relaying the story. He enjoyed the cat and mouse game. I was so stupid not to see it.
What I never expected, is to have the last word in this… a guy who is strongly opinionative and feels he always right… never sent me a response… not even a fuck you… which stuns the crap out of me.
If I could have turned time back, I would just walked away from the friendship without saying anything to the casual guy… my friend would have been 1 friend shorter, but he would be still enjoying the tidbits of whatever he shared with the casual. He would still be complaining about it, but I wouldn’t have been around to hear it so it would not have mattered.

Is There Something I Can’t See?

I’ve been perplexed lately… my old relationship is gone and has been for nearly 10 months, December 17th marks the year? Have I memorized this… no… I accidentally stumbled across a video log deep within my files called “BROKEN”. I am on a roller coaster, plunging in and out of suidical thoughts and trying to make the best of each day as it passes. I “accidentally” seen this last week and a lot of the turmoil bounces in my head.

I had this strange dream the other night… My former partner is laying on the bed with shorts… he is bleeding from a wound in his leg… he is holding his leg in a fetal positioning… his kids are constantly trying to get into the bedroom… I am torn between trying to help the partner, or calm down the kids… I woke up, because I couldn’t make a decision and was overwhelmed…
So why has the dreams come back… I have taken precautions to eliminate the old life I once led… I have dismantled my MSN to use it only for work. Everyone but my two workers are on my list… Not knowing the updates from people from my past, including my partner, was the right way for healing.
A co-worker told me that my former partner says HELLO to me… I didn’t block anyone from my MSN List, and they can see when I am online when I am at work. I don’t open it at home anymore. The co-worker communicated this to me, and suddenly my screen lit up with a new message window from the former guy asking how I was… and giving me updates to what’s going on for him… I am vague in my responses… a lot of GREAT FOR YOUs… That’s awesome… or WONDERFUL… I say it, but I don’t feel it inside. It’s the right thing to do.
The guy asked me about my holidays… I’ve not been on holidays, but I faked that I had been with just saying it was great…
This morning, I seen Kayne West totally humiated Taylor Swift on stage… Her standing speechless in front of the thousands of people, the look that is pure devastation was clear through her body. When the video was done… I just sat in dismay to what I had just seen. I nearly cried for her… Total humiliation.
I feel humiliated when it comes to my past too… my vision through rose coloured glasses… living a very strong life of denial. Hoping for the changes to come, yet not having my own clarity to manifest it to be. Respectfully to myself, I am pleased my partner choose to do what he did… it woke me up… however, when I look back. I see nothing but myself struggling in a world of deception.
I am troubled by one thought lately… What posses a person who pushes another person to the curb, causes that person $1000,s of dollars of financial losses, the person to live off another being while the boat is rocking and so forth… What posses them to contact that same person to see how they are doing and brag about all the good things in their life… I feel it terribly inappropriate…. What does that say about that person? His actions suggest his transition was a lot easier than mine… for that, I struggle with that… My lowests moment is when Bell Canada made me cry on the phone over a bill that was this guys… meanwhile this same guy laughs as my dismay… What does that say?
I’m so fortunate to have found Diva Dan… I’m just glad this person destroy me…